different

sometimes i see,sometimes i wonder,why cant i be like that,i feel isolated.alone.perhaps,noone understands where i'm coming from.

sometimes i wonder why things dont go as smoothly for me.

but one thing i do know,that i walk by faith,and not by sight.mayb being diff is the exact thing i need right now.

God,i'm still holding on,i'm still waiting.

its been a year

its been a year since i posted anyth up,well like lazarus i guess this blog's gonna be resurrected then haha.

wow,its been a year,one long year,and a year i have to thank God for.

last year my grades dropped,my relationships with pl were messed up,everyth was out of whack.i guess it was because i didnt prioritize God in everyth i do.yea i mean i KNEW i had to do it,i lifted my hands in worship i did my devotions everyday,and i thought i was doing okay.but thats where the prob is,usually when u THINK ur ok,ur not.i didnt let God into every single area of my life,i didnt know how to be still before him to hear wat he was saying,i turned away from doing wat should've been done,and it took alot before i realized that there were so many areas which i needed to fix and patch up in my life.

But this year i vowed to consecrate every single area in my life to God.and when u partner up with God,u never regret it.

i started working hard this year,and God blessed me with his wisdom,and though i aint the top 10 in chung ling my result shave improved so drastically!u can say that i'm in the top 10 percent haha.(stupid Chinese,always drags me down.XD).but wats more amazing is that i see God using me,even though i dropped class,he still used me to touch the lives of the many friends around me.Being the only chirstian in class isnt easy,but hey,was rebuilding the wall easy for Nehemiah?was it easy fo Moses to lead the israelites to the promised land?was it easy for Jesus to go to the cross?nope.but 2 of my good friends have come to accept Christ,and i am so joyful because of that.and i am expecting more, because all things are possible for those who believe.

i have also understood the importance of being a good leader,of ministering to the ppl that are younger in faith.Being a youth leader,i have to reach out to the new guys,and to minister to those that need it,its hard sometimes,and praying for so many ppl each night requires hard work.XD.but i tell u its worth it when u see them grow.

i have also fimrly founded my identity in God as a beloved Son.we shouldnt take this for granted ppl!we are a holy nation,a royal priesthood,and sons of God.we are uniques,special and loved by the awesome God of this universe.i dont need to look elsewhere,no need to look for ppl's approval or recognition, because as it says in john 10:10 i have come thatthey may have life,and have it to the full.and i am pursuing and living this life.

so i'm still running the race God has set before me,still allowing God to lead me to deeper waters for a bigger catch just as he did with peter,but i tell u,i am loving every single minute of it.

as Nehemiah prayed so i pray.Now strengthen my hands.I fix my eyes on the perfector and the author of my faith,Jesus Christ,

two sides

Two sides rage war within me,two sides pulling me in two directions,two sides which are polar opposites that clash everyday,two sides which live inside of me,two sides..

and every time i have to choose only one

The flesh and spirit,each desiring wat is contradictory to the other.The flesh hungering and fulfilling only wat it craves for and desires.Always wanting to go against the laws that have been set,always wanting to cross the boundaries that have been placed.the raw nature of sin that had manifested itself in humans for eons,driving the very beings God made in his own image,to defy and rebel against him,and it is no different in me.It is a side i fear,a side i dread,the side of me which is haunting and dementing,a side shrouded with darkness and cloaked with the capacity for great evil.

but the spirit is the side which gives me life,true life,and allows me to have life and have it in abundance.a side which has enabled me to see,opening my once blinded spiritual eyes and by grace,spreading on me a blanket of grace and righteousness.The spirit,given to me when i accepted and believed in the salvation brought open by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.the spirit a vital and essential gift frm God,and i thank Him for it everyday

So father i pray that i obey the spirit more,ur spirit,and that i will come to understand even further that sin..has never had a hold on me,that along with all my brothers and sisters in Christ,we are free frm the bondage and shackles of sin which cannot imprison us any longer.

we are..free.

I

as u noe what i write here is usually directed at God so yea.

i always liked being free.no attachments no nth.no nid to converse so frequently,jst going arnd minding ur own business.doing ur own thing,jst u and God.so light and easy,no baggage no openings to be hurt,flying solo.

its diff.when things change,i dunno.not that i dont like it but...its diff.nw it snt jst me anymre.
i enjoy that feeling of feathery lightness.


yes selfish it might seem,but hey i gotta express myself heh.

God pls teach me wat to do.

Outlet

what to say,its been pretty hectic these few days,running here and there,feeling very tired but i'm glad that thi shol was well spent. i need the time to rest,physically and spiritually.

God's been telling me alot.some prayers were answered in ways i didn expect them to ,and some parts of myself,stuff that was buried and lost a long time ago started uncovering and though i dont like it one bit,i thank God that He's shown me wat i have to change.

i realize that i'm possessive,at times easily frustrated and angered ,impatient,demanding,prideful,not knowing how to be still before God,and perhaps having places and spots in my soul which have not yet been filled,gaps which i never even knew existed nor knowing the reason of its existence.thankfully its all been uncovered now.

typing it out an penning ti down helps,it helps me to keep track of wat i know and wat i've learned so far.

i know i;m still struggling,i know i've got a LONG way to go,in my qiest to live thi slife for God,i fail so often,i fail so many times,and i'm sorry God.i'm sorry.

But thank You for that corss,the corss which puts to death the sinner in me,thank You for the blood of Christ which will always wash me clean of my sins,thank You for being with me,.for abiding in me.In chaos,confusion, in the midst of trials and tribulations,in the mids of failure

you're here.

and you'll always be here.

Thank You God.

Thank You.

If

If i could accumulate the amount of anger i felt,i think it would be enough to really allow me to change into a were wolf,to give me the ability to create a tornado,to be able to pump me up enough to rip the very earth apart

then Thank God i do not have the ability to allow my anger to manifest itself in such ways,or alot of ppl are going to die,

but sometimes i wish i could.

God

God thank You for showing me so much.

but i still struggle i still need help

i believe help me in my unbelief

i am willing help me in my unwillingness

i love yOu OGod

i do,so help me

please i wanna live for u,so God mould me and shape me to become like Jesus.amen.